Breaking News: Poisoning Trees is Bad

(Blonde Beard = Fucking Creepy)

So apparently this 62-year old genius got so mad about the fact his beloved Alabama Crimson Tide lost to Auburn that he decided the logical thing to do is to drive to Auburn's campus and poison the 130 year old oak trees in Toomer's Corner, the place Auburn douches with TP after big wins. I love the spirit, but the asshole could have easily gotten away with it if he wasn't such a fucking dumb redneck with a blonde beard.

Instead of keeping the crime, and yes this is a crime, to himself, he decides to call Dan Patrick on his radio show and brag about it. Needless to say, it gets him arrested and in hot water nationally. The best part is, this guy is a retired state trooper. The system works!

This Is Why I Hate Old People

SAN DIEGO— A 72-year-old Mission Hills man who suffers from neuropathy
said he awoke Thursday morning to find some of his toes missing, and he believes
his two small dogs did it.

The caregiver of the man, who has not been named, called 911 to report the incident.
When San Diego police responded on the 200 block of West California St., they
found blood on one of the dog's faces, some of the victim's toes missing, and a
substantial amount of blood nearby.

Officers said the dogs are 1-year-old and 2-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.
Investigators filed a bite report, and emergency crews took the man to a hospital.
Animal Control has taken over the investigation.

The dogs have been secured and will be quarantined for 10 days. Officers said the
victim, who suffers from nerve degeneration, did not want the dogs to be taken away.

- MSNBC.com

(Why does a Q-Tip who can't feel shit need toes anyways?)

This guys a moron. I don't care how fucked up his nerves are. 1.) You own two small
dogs who have teeth like little Emeril steak knives and 2.) You have toes that are
fucking delicious. It's common knowledge that toes taste good. Ask Rex Ryan. If you
expect me to feel bad for this asshole because he forgot to put his toes back in the
pantry where they belong before he passed out, you're wrong. Dead wrong. Now the
dogs are probably gonna be put down for this dumb-ass's rookie mistake.

Fucking Genius: Couple Fakes Daughter's Cancer

Police say Alicia and Steven Kelly won the sympathy and financial donations of friends and strangers, telling them their 15-year-old daughter suffered from bone cancer.

But the person they exploited the most was their own teenager, convincing her that she had a deadly disease by giving her blood pressure pills and telling her it was her "chemo medicine," according to police in Greenwood County, S.C.

And that wasn't all, they say.

The couple, who were responsible for looking after her elderly father, allegedly neglected his care, leaving him to die in a trailer while they collected his Social Security checks for 18 months, allege police.

- ABC News

(God, so fucking hot. She's okay too...)

I'm not gonna judge. It was a great idea on all levels. They multitasked the shit out of this scheme. They tricked their own daughter into thinking she has cancer then played out the old sob story to anyone willing to throw some cheddar their way. Obviously it wasn't enough money so you gotta keep scheming. Meanwhile, good for nothing Grandpa is sitting there collecting checks while shitting his God-damned huggies and they don't see a dime of his retirement. Fuck that and fuck Grandpa. Let him die. Everyone dies, but that doesn't mean his income needs to die too. So they cash that shit every week just like Grandpa would have wanted. End of story. They should win a medal for being so fucking smart.

Jerry Sloan Is Donezo

(The hardest part about playing for the Jazz is admitting you're gay)

23ish seasons as the Utah Jazz head coach. I think the bigger news story is someone willingly stayed in Utah for 23 years, which is fucking crazy. I don't even want to think about visiting Utah ever in my lifetime. Save me the "it's a great place to ski" bullshit. I don't care. Still not worth it. Dude never won an NBA championship and they still kept him around for 23 years. They know how hard it is to convince someone to go there. The name of the team is the Jazz. They were forced to keep the New Orleans Jazz name because there's nothing worth naming a franchise after in Utah. Should have named the team the Utah Weather. I'm sure there's weather there, right?

(How many times a day do you contemplate suicide?)

3 King: Ray Fucking Allen

(Everyone should start walking down the court once they see this... You too, ref.)

It was only a matter of time. Ray Allen passed Reggie Miller to become the all-time 3 point leader. He even gave Reggie a hug to rub it into his demented face. You know Reggie's gonna say he's happy for Ray. Fuck that noise. He's definitely thinking back to when the Celt's were looking to add him to the bench during their championship season and he said no. Reggie wanted to stay retired as a Pacer. Yeah, a Pacer. Fucking moron. You didn't have a ring. Unless they give out rings for admitting you're related to Cheryl Miller. In that case, wear it proud.

(Sick Adam's Apple Bro.)

Why Haven't I heard of Vanquish???

Like I've said in earlier posts, I am so fucking sick of Call of Duty: Black Ops, it's not even funny. It's actually pathetic, but take your white wig of and quit judging me. I went onto Gamespot to check out some semi older games that were rated pretty well so I can think about getting into another game. I came across Vanquish, which is made by Sega. My first thought was Sega has been putting out garbage since the mid 90's, but the game received some really good reviews. I watched some gameplay and figured I would pick it up. 

I've been playing it on and off pretty much all day and the game is living up to those reviews. It's like if Lost Planet, Halo, and Transformers had an orgy, this would be the love child, and I mean that in the best way possible. Your welcome for making you think about Optimus Prime running a train on Master Chief's tight little anus. The point is, the game was applauded because of the directing, and apparently the director is some big wig in the industry. The cutscenes can be long, but the visuals are excellent and the overall design is great.

The only weird thing about the game is the dialogue. I just don't get it. Do Japanese people think all Americans talk the way they portray us? Why not do a little homework or here's an idea. HIRE A FUCKING AMERICAN TO PROOF READ YOUR SHIT. During the game, they need a tank to blow debris out in a tunnel so they can get out. The tank does it's thing and the next line is "That tunnel's not gonna walk right for a week." I love a good butt sex joke as much as the next guy, but nobody says that about a tunnel. Fucking slants think we talk about fucking all day. Classic. Love it. 

Anyways, here's a good clip that shows what kind of game it is. If you get a chance to pick it up, I would, it's a good shooter with great design and direction.

(We will stop that from happening. That being decent dialogue.)

Killzone 3 Might Suck....Great

And I am officially kicking myself in the ass for jinxing the greatness of this game. Sure I only read a couple of reviews and they weren't that bad, but this game had "epic" written all over it. Now I'm hearing that the story is terrible and all over the place, and I loved the sequel's story. Multiplayer sucked in Killzone 2, I don't care what anyone says. It was so slow and heavy that I felt like Santa Claus was running around with his fat, stumpy legs trying to carry guns twice his weight.

I downloaded the beta, which was an online version, and I was terrible. I don't want to toot my own horn, WHICH I can do by the way, but when it comes to shooters, I'm kind of a big deal. The controls were so quick that I was all over the place getting my ass lit up by little boys, maybe even girls because their voices were so high-pitched. I was so frustrated that I quit after a few games and prayed the reviews would put my doubts to sleep. No such luck.

Some reviews were saying that one of the reasons why this game will NEVER get the scores it deserves is because of the title. Really? The title affects the game itself? Sure "Killzone" is cheesy, but who gives a shit? I don't care if it's called Shootz and Lazers, you can't knock a game because some Japs can't think of a clever title for a game that has this as it's trailer.

(Fuck gameplay, this trailer should win an Oscar)

Zombies Are Everywhere....WTF

What is with America's infatuation with dead people who come back to life and try to kill them? How is this such a popular idea among all kinds of media? It's so fucking dumb that it's retarded. Not only do we have movies starring walking, rotting corpses, but we also have games and TV shows too. Seriously? The fiction of zombies have been around forever, but it's now being heralded as a hot topic that all entertainment outlets need to tackle?

Alright, I admit, playing Zombie mode in Black Ops has it's moments where you're like, "Holy shit, this is getting pretty intense." But that's about it. A zombie movie hasn't been scary since Night of the Living Dead. Even that movie wasn't that scary, just more fucked up that the protagonist, a black guy in a time where black people were oppressed up the ass, ends up being killed by a white sheriff after the nights over because he thinks he's a zombie. Oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT! Too late? Oh well, that movies fucking old. You weren't going to watch it.

(Only one black guy in this movie, some might say one too many. That makes you racist!)

There are so many video games with zombies as the stars that it should be it's own genre in the gaming industry. Honestly, the best zombie game I've ever played is Plants vs. Zombies. That game is fucking awesome, and more addicting than a heroine sandwich laced with cocaine. It's pretty clever too. You have a hoard of zombies slowly making their way onto your lawn. You also happen to not have any guns, and apparently are a mad scientist or some shit, because you have seeds laying around that can instantly grow into mutated plant weapons. Fucking genius. The guy who thought of the concept for this game must have some fucked up dreams.

(Fix your shirt, you slob.)

All in all, zombies need to go away for awhile. It's becoming way overused like my penis in the 7th grade. Knowing the entertainment industry, they will beat it into the ground and move on to something else that doesn't need to be blown out of proportion. Poor zombies, they're so misunderstood. They just want to eat your brains and be left the fuck alone.

Super Bowl Sunday!!!

It's finally Super Bowl Sunday. I was so close to having my beloved Bears back in the big game until the Packers shit all over my hopes and dreams. I feel pretty confident saying the Packers will turn the tables on Ben Roethlisberger and rape his bearded butthole all over Dallas. The Packers are just that good. They should have won the NFC North but my Bears are the luckiest team since the Anaheim Angels in Angels in the Outfield. But Drew, wasn't Jesus helping out the Angels in that movie? You bet your ass he was. The Bears had Jesus, God, the Devil, everyone helping them. They weren't that good but made it to the conference title game.

On a side note, I made a shit load of beer to take to my Dad's Super Bowl banger and tested the beer. Not so great. Pretty shitty feeling. I've got just under 100 beers and half of them taste like alcoholic water and the other half tastes like alcoholic cough medicine. Not a good sign. My Dad wanted me to put a donations sign next to the cooler with all of these beers in it, but now I'm scared there's going to be a UOMe in the jar or someone will just puke in the jar and punch me in the face for good measure.

Anyways, I'm not crazy about the game itself, but it should be a good time. If you are going to bet on the game, I'm thinking the Packers are going to win by a pretty decent margin, After all, they do have Ellen Degeneres secretly playing quarterback for them, and she's NASTYYYYYYY.

 

The Simpsons Are Getting Sad

I grew up watching the Simpsons. I always thought they were hilarious even though they were pushing the envelope (Yes, the Simpsons used to get a lot of shit about being too racy, and yes I know, they're not that bad.) I thought they were hilarious, even though most of the stuff was so dumb, I was dumber for seeing it. It was good old American humor. Immature but hilarious.

In my area, FOX plays the Simpsons every weekday for an hour. I caught a few older episodes and I remembered why I loved the show. I would literally laugh out loud at some of the dumb shit that was going on. Now that the nostalgia was back, I set a series recording for my DVR so I could watch more. That's when I realized the new episodes were so God awful. 

I've heard people bash the Simpsons saying they should have been off the air years ago, and I finally can say I know why they say that. It's terrible. Bart isn't funny anymore, Marge is a fucking dumbass, Lisa is even worse than before, which I didn't think was possible. Even Homer has lost his touch. The storylines are way too intricate to be a true Simpsons episodes. The writers are thinking way too much and are trying to plan out jokes instead of just letting the stupid shit happen like it always has. 

At this point, I think the only thing that can save the show is a spinoff with Chief Wiggum, Ralphie, Moe, and Homer. They are they only ones who are still funny. What a shame.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

I've reluctantly been playing Black Ops quite a bit lately. I hate this mother fucking game, don't get me wrong. It's the kind of game that most people fucking despise but it has a really good community so you can play with people you know. That's about the only good thing about it. Now that I'm thinking about it, is that really even a good thing? Playing a game everyone hates just because your friends are playing it? I can picture Treyarch's slogan: "Get lit up in this laggy piece of shit......WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!"

I swear to god everytime I play this game, the guns have different damage points. When I first started, the AUG said it had shitty damage, but I gave it a whirl because every other gun sucks Big Foot's dick. It was surprisingly good, so I stuck with it. Lately, the AUG takes about 9 or 10 bullets to kill someone. What the fuck is that shit? Suddenly everyone has become fucking Tupac and won't go down until Suge Knight wants them to. My k/d ratio has been dropping faster than black birds in Arkansas and I think we have a God damned conspiracy on our hands.

(Nobody should be this fucking good. Seriously, somebody kill this gifted asshole.)

Maybe it's the fact that every time I lose a match in a blowout I report every single player on the other team because I hate them. I know they're not cheating but I want to create work for Treyarch because they are the assholes who convinced me this game would be bigger than Ron Jeremy's tinky. It's not. It has shrinkage.

I convinced the only thing that can save me at this point is Killzone 3. Why do I get the feeling I will be writing a similar post about another franchise I once loved. God I hate love.